The level of personal offense that a lot of fans take with George Lucas is shocking and pathetic. I’ll never understand it.

Let’s torpedo some common criticisms right out of the gate. With the possible exception of the Empire Strikes Back, all of the Star Wars movies are poorly acted. All of them have clunky dialogue. All of them are easily lent to the toy market. They’re all presented in a very basic narrative surrounded with nearly overwhelming visual effects. In other words, nearly every criticism regularly lobbed at the prequels is also applicable to the originals. And many of the qualities the originals were lauded for are also present in the prequels.

Star Wars is all about adventure, mysticism, immersive visual effects, the increasingly complex battle of good against evil, and so on. It’s true for all six films, for good or ill. I’d guess that many of the most vocal complainers saw the original three as children, when their tastes lacked discrimination. One set of films gets the benefit of rose-colored glasses and the other set doesn’t.

Mind you, I’m not saying that all six films are equally good, but the gap is much narrower than many fans are willing to consider. Star Wars never was great art. Just great entertainment.

The most valid criticism of the prequels I can think of off the top of my head is that moviemaking is an art of visual storytelling, and style must always takes a backseat to narrative. The number one goal of the visuals, the words, the transitions–anything at all, in other words–is to serve the story. Cramming in all but the kitchen sink is an obvious way of distracting the viewer by impeding their connection with the story. The prequels do tend to do this at times. I’m not sure if Lucas made them that way in order to show off or if he simply felt the films were better off that way. Either way, it doesn’t work. Perhaps the prequels would have turned out a little more evenly if they’d been made with the same technological and budgetary constraints as the original films.

Now, let’s shift the focus from the new to the old. It is a fair complaint that Lucas has attempted to make changes to the original three films that, while seemingly innocuous, have drastic consequences. A popular example is the scene in which Greedo confronts Han Solo in the Mos Eisley cantina. In the theatrical cut, Greedo has cornered Han and has made his intentions clear. In order to save his own life, Han draws his gun under the table and kills Greedo without warning. This establishes something very important about Han’s character. No matter how endearing he becomes later on in the story, there will always be a side of him that is outlaw, that is mercenary, that is dangerous. He’s not somebody to get too close to, and when someone does get close to him, it’s a big deal.

In the Special Edition, Lucas revises the scene. With a particularly awkward computer edit, Greedo now fires his gun first. Han anticipates and moves aside in the nick of time, then fires his own gun in retaliation. For one thing, Han is, for all intents and purposes, an ordinary man with exceptional skills but no exceptional powers. Jedi Knights may be able to dodge laser blasts, but Han isn’t one of them. For another, Han becomes diluted as a character. The danger associated with his character, which is a trait that originally made a strong early impression on the viewer, becomes diluted. Han becomes that much safer as a character, and that much less interesting. The movie is filled with people whom it’s safe to be around, and perhaps it needs the element of danger that Han brings in order to enliven things.

As you might guess, I’m not a big fan of post-release tinkering with films. It very rarely leads to improvement. I’m sure every filmmaker has things they would have done differently in every film they ever made, but at some point, it has to stop or they’ll keep tinkering until the original film doesn’t exist anymore. There is also a problem in that fans who’ve seen the original versions many times are going to be disengaged from the story every time a change appears. It messes with their connection to the events onscreen. Yeah, Han Solo’s character is presented in a very different light depending on whether he shoots preemptively or in reaction, but moreover, it just doesn’t look right.

The last thing I want to touch on, and perhaps the last of the major complaints Lucas is regularly assaulted with by his fans, is his alleged gouging of the home video market. I don’t have much to say about that, except that I have very little sympathy for people who repeatedly bought the series through every iteration. For those who rushed out to buy the 2004 special editions with the belief that they would be the only time Star Wars appeared on DVD, I’m betting most of you already had plenty of chances to learn your lesson. Nobody put a gun to your heads and forced you to open your wallets. Caveat emptor: temper your instinct of buying every piece of crap with the Star Wars logo on it and you’ll find you’ll have much less to complain about.

As everybody knows, Battlestar Galactica is a science fiction television show about space and stuff. And as everybody knows, BC Woods writes a live commentary about each new episode on his blog, Dunce upon a Time. And as everybody knows, Rob did his own commentary on BC’s commentary a couple weeks ago on Freak Safari.

What everyone doesn’t know is that I’m too busy to write out any of my good ideas lately, so I’m going to dash off something a little different this time around: I will be writing a blog entry about Rob’s blog entry about BC Woods’ blog entry about Battlestar Galactica. I’m pretty sure this is the cleverest thing anybody’s thought of since Thomas Edison invented electricity.

I think Kara is a humanoid Cylon. Now, hear me out!

It should be noted that I’ve never seen this show once in my life, so I don’t know what a Cylon is. It could be something important to you, BC…but to me it’s just another way of reminding people you’re still a virgin.

Jokes about nerds being perpetual virgins? Seriously, he lives in Adberdeen, he midwifes for goats, he has a family that Springer would reject for not being classy enough, and this is the best you’ve got? Maybe you’re just saving the “A” material for the people who point out you live in Jersey.

So I think Starbuck is part of a third faction that is trying to unite the humans and Cylons together. Remember, we haven’t yet met the faction that is responsible for Head Six and Head Baltar.

BC, it isn’t too late. It hasn’t started yet. You can STILL change the channel and do something interesting. You don’t have to do this. You can still turn back.

It should be noted that I’ve never seen the show before, either. In fact, I’ve never seen the show before, period. I haven’t even read BC’s blog entry of it. All I know about this episode is what I’m able to infer from the context clues contained in the quotes from Rob’s entry.

“So I think Starbuck is part of a third faction that is trying to unite the humans and Cylons together. Remember, we haven’t yet met the faction that is responsible for Head Six and Head Baltar.”

Which is absolutely nothing.

Zarak just hit orange suit in the head with a wrench. See what kind of people you’re dealing with Gaeta? Do you see? Zarak has assured him that it wasn’t going to be the last person he killed. Oh God Zarak, you are so full of fucking bullshit. Listen to him pontificate about how good he is at revolution. Uh, if you’re the same Tom Zarak as before we met you on a prison ship ya asshole.

BC, are posts like this really necessary? Or are they kind of over-the-top extra posts that target a very specific niche that nobody cares about…like those people who do sign language at elementary school plays for deaf parents? Unnecessary.

Rob, BC is merely demonstrating his personal rapport with the characters on this show by conversing with them directly in the second person. You know you wish you could empathize with the conflicts of Zarak, Gaeta, Genghis, Liu Kang, Mark Wahlberg, and the rest of the Funky Bunch.

In other news, I’m currently writing this in the MSU library café and I accidentally just locked eyes with a guy in a Watchmen movie t-shirt. I’m resisting the urge to go over there and lecture him.

Also, if you didn’t see it at the top of the liveblog IamRob is liveblogging me liveblogging Battlestar Galactica. I don’t know why he’s doing this, but it’s just meta enough that I find if funny. If someone who is reading this has a blog could you please liveblog Rob liveblogging me and tell me about it? And maybe, just maybe can you organize yourselves so that everyone with a blog is liveblogging someone else who is liveblogging me? I think that could be tremendously nuts and hilarious.

Dude, this show is fucking terrible, BC. This is just awful. I feel like I’ve seen these actors before. Yes I’m sure of it. Oh wait, no…they were the apes in Congo. My bad. And for everyone who reads this. BC Woods loves getting porn in his email. So send it to him at brandoncwoods@gmail.com.

I’ll have you all know that I had the idea to do this before I knew about this part. IT’S MINE AND YOU CAN’T TAKE THAT AWAY FROM ME.

That is, of course, by design. I know this technically isn’t a “live” blog, but everything is as fresh to me now as it was to everyone who read it in progress. The only missing element is timeliness.

I don’t know why I don’t have nerd friends though. All my friends are assholes. Like Rob. I guess you seek out what you grew up with.

Ok so now BC Woods is calling me an asshole for doing this. I’m doing this for humanity, BC. This is to prevent other people from following in your footsteps. And from what I’ve read of your website, if you were seeking out what you grew up with, wouldn’t you be seeking out pregnant psycho-super cunt demons?

I’m doing this to make fun of both of you, while ignoring the obvious hypocrisy that I’m just as bad as either of you. Well, maybe not as bad as Rob.

Now she’s talking about whether or not there is something between them. Was it her? No. It was a Cylon thing. Programming. Now someone has put a black bag over Ander’s head and they’re all beating the crap out of him. That chick is still hot though.

BC is talking a lot about the show. The characters all have weird names…like they were creatures in a Zelda game. This show is so fucking terrible. I can’t understand how someone who writes so well and has legitimately interesting stories is fascinated by something so bad. And what the hell is a Cylon? Are they the equivalent of a Psychlo from the equally bad sci-fi movie, Battlefield Earth?
And please. You don’t think any chick is hot…unless it has the body of a fish or some weird unicorn horn thing going on.

I don’t think any chick is hot unless she can name me her favorite tertiary characters from The Simpsons, but that’s just me.*

(*They can’t be characters who were introduced after the turn of the millennium, or they don’t count. I consider this a major dealbreaker.)

Athena is feeding baby Hera. I can’t wait to see where this horrible mess is going. Helo is buttoning his uniform. The mutineers barged in. They have a gun on Helo. A guy from Pegasus wants to beat up Helo for killing that guy who was going to rape his wife. Now he has been knocked unconscious. Helo is my favorite actor on this show.

BC, why does everyone sound like they’re biting the air when they talk in this show? Only 30 minutes left of this awful shit.

Athena and Hera? God, that’s clever. I bet the writers are big Wikipedia fans.

Not that I want to turn this into a live blog of what I’m doing as I blog Rob’s live blog of BC’s live blog of Battlestar Galactica, but I poured, like, six fucking packets of sugar into this coffee and it still isn’t sweet. Yeah, it’s great that MSU buys domestically produced sugar, but if America can’t produce sugar that doesn’t sink straight to the bottom of the cup, then I’m afraid foreign child labor is the only reasonable solution.

Gaeta is watching his lover leave. Oh you cold fish. How do you think this is going to end up?

With you still not having sex?

Gaeta’s a guy?

Third commercial break. I should ask Rob if there’s a way where the words can become visible on Dunce as I type them. I’m going to go ahead and guess that’s not possible because of the incredible amount of bandwidth it would require but it would still be pretty cool. I wish I had time to check what Rob is saying, but I must keep typing. Type type type. Typetty type type type.

It’s possible, but why? Nobody cares enough about this show for me to put the time into it.
I have absolutely no idea what’s going on in this show, but I can say with 100% certainty that absolutely nothing interesting is going, despite what you read on BC’s blog.
How could you possibly like these characters anyway? They’re either whispering all the time, biting air and sounding like the movie theater previews guy, or just wallowing around the spaceship. If that even is a space ship. It looks like a sewer.

My favorite show that takes place in a sewer is Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. Fun fact: the Turtles were originally designed by Kevin Eastman and Peter Laird as a parody of the “grim ‘n’ gritty” attitude that was creeping into mainstream comics in the ‘80s. See, they’re teenagers, so they have angst. They’re ninjas, because ninjas are cool and have badass weapons and masks and whatnot. They’re mutants, because that’s how the big companies explained most of their ridiculous character designs. And they’re turtles, because getting your ass kicked by a slow animal that can be defeated by flipping it onto its back is just funny.

Laird and Eastman were ahead of their time. They got their jabs in before the trend got out of hand and “grim ‘n’ gritty” became a pejorative. Cowabunga.

I really have a feeling we’re going to see a LOT of people die this episode.

If by “die” you mean, “Do absolutely nothing for an hour and play grabass with each other,” then you may be onto something.
But to put things into perspective:
Kill count: 0
Homosexual Activity count: 112

And here you are, blogging a guy. How the blog do you think it looks when you’re blogging some dude because he’s nerdy enough to blog a show like this? Motherblogger.

Spent casings all over the floor. Lots of people are dying.

Are we watching the same show? Nobody died. I heard a gunshot, but it came from a woman so you know she missed. In fact, I rewound it just to be sure. Yep, nobody died. Your big hands type big lies!
EDIT: This show is getting good. I just saw a…oh wait. Nevermind, it was a commercial for the new Call of Duty game.
Death Count is still 0 as far as I’m concerned, BC. This show was absolutely horrendous. It was like a soap opera taking place in space. How do you sleep at night? Probably in Star Wars pajamas.

Wait a minute. People are firing guns inside a spaceship? Isn’t that a really bad idea? Don’t bullets make holes in things? And isn’t the functionality of a spaceship contingent on whether or not there are any holes in it? Death count: everything inside the ship that depends on oxygen, warmth, and a pressurized environment in order to live.

YES! YES THE ADMIRAL AND THE PRESIDENT ARE KISSING! I HAVE WAITED ALL MY FUCKING LIFE FOR THIS SINGLE MOMENT. SLIDE SOME TONGUE… OKAY OR JUST HUG… I’LL ADMIT I DON’T KNOW WHAT IS BEST.

Your level of nerd is unprecedented. In three words: I hate you. In another three: Get a girl. In two more: You suck.
And just think, I could’ve been much happier watching the Suite Life of Zack and Cody than this shit.

And what did we learn from all this? I don’t know. I still have no idea what happened, so I’ll just invent a story that will hopefully make some kind of logical sense out of it.

Kara is a humanoid Cylon, which is a type of vacuum cleaner. It’s manufactured by Oreck, so that disturbingly nice man can be in the commercial and lift Kara by the neck without tearing his rotator cuff. Starbuck is obviously a coffee shop conglomerate. Since Starbuck is trying to unite the humans and the Cylons, I assume the floors of their shops are getting messy. There is apparently “a faction that is responsible for Head Six and Head Baltar,” which I take to be a euphemism for pornography. Zarak is a mechanic with an orange suit he doesn’t like very much, and Gaeta is his boss.

Ander has a black bag over his head and he’s getting the shit beaten out of him, which means he’s either an Iraqi terror suspect or he’s an American participating in a left wing propaganda photo shoot. I’ll go with the latter. Athena, Hera, Helo, the mutineers, and the guy from Pegasus all appear far too close together and with far too little contextual information for me to figure them out, but it’s worth noting that Helo is an actor. If he’s anything like Joey from Friends, he probably likes pizza and sandwiches a lot, so there’s that.

Finally, the admiral and the president kiss. And you know they’re a couple of dudes, because everyone knows the only women allowed on spaceships are too shrewish to be attractive. Or so I’ve learned from Star Wars.

Questions? Comments? Concerns? Use the comment feature, or visit the discussion thread.